Toe Job

This morning, as I was drying off after my shower, I was reminded that there are certain parts of my body that I cannot stand. I see these few parts and I just shudder. Where is she going with this, right? Don't worry, it's safe ground. It's not my belly or my butt, like lots of women. The parts of my body that I hate the worst? My feet and my nose.

That's right, I hate my feet and my nose is right there, too. Actually, to clarify, I only hate my heels and the only toes I hate are my big toes. They aren't big...they're HUGE. They are shaped like a mushroom and I think an entire family of Smurfs could live in my toes. I'm not kidding. And, my left big toe has a mole on it that is the exact size of a wood tick, so in the summer people are constantly telling me I have a tick on my toe. *sigh* I love my mom to death (Hi Mom!) but I have her to thank for my feet. The big toes, the unending calluses on the heels...it's great. When we go to get pedicures together with my sister (Hi Nanner!) the big joke is who will take the longest to get the pretty feet. Last time, Mom even told the lady that she might need an industrial sander for her feet. Funny, but annoying. The bigger downside to my nasty feet? I HATE wearing socks and shoes. I hate wearing them even more than I hate my feet, so you can imagine the amount of time I put into lotion and toe-nail-polish and anything else to make my feet somewhat presentable.

As for my nose, well....there's a song they sometimes play between shows on Noggin. I don't know who it's by or what it's called, but it's a larger African American man singing about his different body parts. When he gets to his nose, he says it's shaped like one of his toes. Yep, that's why I hate my nose, too. It is fat and has a mole on the right side (thanks again, Mom) Actually, one of the reasons I got my nose pierced is to try and draw attention away from the rest of my nose (that and I always wanted one). I hate it. I want a nice, thin nose. Yuck.

Now, I know that I could go and get a nose job, but I wouldn't do that. I don't think I would, anyway. But I may go for a toe job. Anyone know where I could get one of those? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?