Sometimes, I feel like I'm playing house and I'm not really old enough to own a home, pay bills, be married, have children. When I say this, I don't mean that I feel dettached or anything. I just mean that when I look at myself, I don't see my true age--I think of myself as younger. I also sometimes learn something and think, "I don't need to know that until I'm older and settled..." then realize that I am older and I am settled. I do need to know things like interest rates and how our property taxes get paid and what to do in case something serious were to happen to my husband or children.
When I see strangers at the store about my age, I often think of them as being older and more mature. They must have it all together and know all they need to know, because they're at least 30. They must have it all figured out. They must know. But why must they? Why must they automatically know any more than me or Andy? Because they are 6 months older, or 6 years?
I am incredibly blessed and I love my life. I know the things I need to know, I learn what I can to know more. I pay our bills and take care of our home. I love my husband and children and watch them grow with every day. They make my heart sing and I feel like I'm on the top of the world. Nothing brings me more pleasure than seeing them thrive and grow. But sometimes, I feel like it's all just a game. If I make the right move, X will happen and everything will stay the same. If I make the wrong move, Y will happen and things will be lost. Like I'm playing a video game that's in virtual reality.
I don't really know why I'm going on about this. Maybe just to get it out there--I know I can't be the only one who feels this way. And it's not all the time, or even that often. Just sometimes I feel like I can't really be living this life and being this lucky. Like it's all just a dream and I'll wake up and be 15 again, just starting to date my husband. Like my entire life is still in front of me. But if I were to wake up and find myself at 15 again, I wouldn't do anything different.
Our Life with 3 Daughters...and lots of animals, plenty of frustration, and tons of love.
3 comments:
You aren't the only one who feels this way. I usually have this same conversation with myself when I am hassled and driving somewhere in the van. Never saw myself driving a mini van. Never really saw myself sitting at soccer practice. Never saw myself going to see The Wiggles. Never saw the house, bills, worries and fun. You get the idea. I love my life as well, but I always say if you had told me 10 years ago that I'd have this great life, I would have laughed! Ten years ago I was in law school dreaming about my rich and famous law career. Or at least my profitable law career! But everything you said...I know exactly what you mean!
Yeah me too. Mostly i remember my parents at this age. I sooo looked forward to being the Mom and having a family. The idea you cook and make the holidays fun, etc etc. It IS super surreal at times to go...I've arrived at that place? Really?! Is that allowed?! How did I get here so fast when it seemed forever back then. Weird. Mostly it makes me wonder how I'll see it all in another ten years. I have a feeling I understand now wanting to grow up so fast and then being grown up and not being able to slow it down.
Oh I have this feeling all the time, and I am older and supposedly wiser in a way.
But we just go along for the ride sometimes .
And put on our big girl panties, and our poker faces and act like we know what we're doing.
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